I just want to write. What should I write about?

I’m really tired. I stayed up until about 2:30 this morning talking to a gay Muslim from Egypt. Lol. Random I know. But then again, I was really glad I got to talk to him and hopefully we’ll talk again in the future. He is struggling with a lot of things in his life right now. And surprisingly, as much as we don’t have in common, we shared a lot of ideas and issues. He, however, is on a search for a religion he can call his own. I was able to express my beliefs, and he of course challenged them. It was healthy for both of us. How does the Trinity work? How can Jesus be God, yet He died on a cross? Did God die? I tried my best at that late at night to answer his questions. He’s still confused.

He is angry with life right now. He was sexually abused a couple times when he was young and he feels that’s one reason he’s gay now. Why did this have to happen to him? Why does he have to be the one that is gay? He really wishes he were straight. Now he is lonely and sad. He has ocd and he is just mad that he has been stricken with gay feelings. He’s also angry with George Bush and at one time I thought he was mad at me. I had told him I’m a Baptist, which is evangelical in nature. He thinks all evangelicals are the same and that they are dumb. He was mad that evangelicals think all Muslims are pagans although the word Allah comes fom Elohim which is Hebrew and found in the Bible. I didn’t mention that we believe that Allah is not the same God by definition. I was letting him vent. He was mad that Christians think all Muslims are going to burn in hell, but George Bush is going to go to Heaven even though he is credited with the war in Iraq.  I told him hell was a difficult concept for me to grasp. The Trinity isn’t even as hard for me to understand. But I’m supposed to believe that Muslims are going to hell. I don’t want to believe that. But it’s sort of hard not to in the religion. Jesus is the only way to God is what the Bible says. I believe the Bible. I just don’t always want to believe it.

People with distinct personalities give relationships depth. They create unique atmospheres around themselves and I enjoy experiencing these different atmospheres. Unless it’s coming from Jan.

As my co-worker for a year, Jan emitted an atmosphere that was more like a bitter electric shock. But I did she did give depth to my job. Unfortunately the depth was more like a well I had fallen in and could not get out of.  The job itself did not have a lot of depth. Skating rinks usually don’t. Giving out skates and making sure people don’t maime each other while on the skates is pretty simple. Well, dealing with angry parents and troubled kids provided dimensions to the job, but I must say my greated challenge of all had to have been Jan.

At the age of 62, with two grown children and a handful of grandchildren, Jan despises children. She doesn’t like loud music and she defines fun to be using a bad attitude to win an argument. So naturally she would work at a skating rink… with kids… and loud music… and, whenever she’s not around, fun.

So why does she work at a skating rink? And why hasn’t she been fired considering the numerous complaints from children and parents that she is rude? Maybe it’s because she runs the concession stand like nobody else can, or maybe she is good at disciplining the trouble-makers… My bet, however, is that the boss can’t bring herself to fire her mom. The skating rink is a family affair for the Fountains.

Shayna, the owner, made the decision 3 years ago to purchase the rink and market it as a Christian skating rink. Playing only Christian music and sporting Bible verse and Christian posters around the building, the rink is one of a kind. Everything about the place is one of a kind. Shayna had her first child at the age of 17. And her abusive husband was murdered not too long into the marriage. Now she’s married to Todd. They made sure to have a long courtship before she delved into another relationship. They dated for a week. Actually I don’t think it’s considered dating if they never actually go on a date. They had known each others years before and somehow decided they should spend the rest of their lives together. He had a run down truck and a crummy job. She had a kid.

Jan has had her hand in every bit of Shayna’s life. From feeding her beans every day because they lived in poverty to shooting Shayna’s husband, Jan has been a controller. Yeah, she shot him and told the jury that it was an accident.

Maybe she doesn’t have a conscious. I don’t know. She is the sweetest lady to you if have pretty make-up or a nice tan. She wants to know your secret. But if you’re a kid or her middle grandchild, you are fair game for verbal abuse.

I’m glad I met Jan. She made me appreciate my mom even more. Although she made me wish I was blind once when her 250 lb self wore hot pants to work and did squats behind the counter. And also when I caught her using a 5lb in the kitchen area to urinate in. She had a bladder control problem. Now I have a nightmare problem. Oh Jan, thanks for the memories…

Arg…. Life is weird these days. :]

Who am I? What am I doing?

Work is still miserable, bearable, but miserable.

My relationships are pretty miserable also. My best friend is in love with me… which makes being friends a great challenge. She’s my best friend, pretty much the only person I do anything with. And she wants to be much more than friends. I don’t. So now she’s mad… I think she has lives here and works here because of me. She is mad she stayed. I have always told her I only want to be friends. I guess she was hoping something would change. So I feel guilty. She made me believe that I am a jerk, that I have messed up her life. I just wanted a friend… I didn’t mean any harm. Maybe she will move away soon. That might be for the best… but that leaves me friendless. I have a couple more friends, but we only hang out when my best friend is around. We don’t do much else, so we’re not very close.

So in my sadness and lonliness, I have been chatting online. I have met some interesting ppl. One guy is just like me in many ways, except in a different country. That made me feel less alone. I know I’m not alone. My God is with me always. But I haven’t been strong in my faith lately, so it’s my fault I don’t feel close to God.

I was really depressed yesterday… I hope that was only temporary. I don’t want to be depressed. I was just overcoming anxiety. I was hoping for happiness after that lol.

I need a life…

I feel like writing. I wish I had something interesting to say. I never do. Apparently I’m not well-versed enough in current events or thought-provoking ideas to write anything worth reading. I used to write humorous posts about random things. That was fun. And I think they were funny. But now humor doesn’t come as easily. I question my intelligence often. I know I’m smart. But in what way?

I think I would like to write fiction. Or maybe just a fictionized version of my life. I have enjoyed that before. I used to be a decent writer. I wonder if I still would be… Maybe I’ll write about something soon. Maybe later today… Hmm, which story of my life should I make into a short story? Hmm…

Yay weird.  I feel weird.  I’m taking Lexapro now to battle anxiety.  Good news is I haven’t been anxious lately!  Which is great for the stomach and the nerves.  BUT I have felt weird for the last few days.  I’m sure the confused stomach and overall weirdness will go away soon.  But right now… it’s weird.  My eyes aren’t open as wide and huge as they used to be.  I believe “lethargic” is the word.  I’m just chill lol.  But no more anxiety for now.  Relief…

My job is sooo much more livable now that I’m not as anxious.  I knew the job wasn’t that serious before the meds, but now the rest of me knows it too.

I ordered a social statistics book.  I plan on going to grad school for stats or social research and I know minimal about either.  Yet I’m very much expected to know about them!  So to the books I go.  I just hope I can get into the grad school that the scholarship committee sends me to… Arg. 

Oh December, how mysterious thou art. 
Secrets you possess, and the Key you hold.

So it’s a 3 day weekend!!! Yay. I’m excited. Breaks are nice. Work hasn’t been oh so bad. Just sort of bad. I still have SO much to learn, but at least I’m not where I was at two weeks ago. Thank you Jesus! It was horrible. So maybe it’s just gonna get easier from here. It’s still bad. I wake up every morning with a knot in my stomache not knowing what’s gonna happen that day. Loss of appetite… eesh. But like I said, it’s getting better. Following up on things is pretty difficult at this point still. Thank You for my neighbors! Co-workers are great.

I was getting rather unsure of fulfilling my duties for my graduate school scholarship. Wait until the end of next year or early 09 to move overseas for 9 mo or 1 yr? And possibly study something that would require MORE school once I got back? BUT things have changed lately. Thank you God for the encouragements. I met a guy who has a career in what I’m going into and he loves it and says I will always have a job. Yay. A friend of mine who has been not-so-encouraging has told me she is gonna be working in another country, so she can’t discourage me anymore lol. Also with this 3 day weekend I’ve been able to research my prospectives schools some more and it’s been exciting. They are all beautiful and fun looking. Yay. Not to mention that I’ll get to quit this job I’m at now! I hate wishing my life away so I’m gonna try not to do that. I don’t want to be done with job because that would mean I want the next year of my life to fly by. I AM looking forward to quitting, but right now it’s my life. I better enjoy it! It’s gonna be so much fun. New people, cool scenery. I will have to give speeches though (aaaah!), but it’ll be good for me. I’ll have to socialize (aaahhh!) with a bunch of middle aged rich men (aaahh!) while I’m going to grad school full-time, BUT it’ll be worth it. It’ll be a great experience. Lol I’m so excited! I don’t know which school I would rather go to, but the ones in Dublin and Manchester have master’s program, so it would be nice to get my masters, BUT that would also mean working that much harder and not enjoying the scenery as much. I hope I don’t stress out the whole time and not enjoy it. I wanna make friends so bad and be able to do fun stuff. I hope I have enough money to enjoy myself. I wonder if I’ll have to/be able to get a job there? I don’t think I’ll have time. New Zealand is gorgeous… Ireland is cozy and cool. England is trendy and has great programs. I don’t see how I’ll fit in. They’ll probably be professionals in the classes that have lots of experience. I’ll look 12 and be lost the whole time. What am I getting myself into!? Yay I’m excited. New Zealand would be great, but I don’t want to have to wait til early 09. Maybe I could leave early 08!? That’s what I was told at one point… But that would mean applying, getting accepted, and making all my arrangements between December and March!! Impossible? Yay for grad school. Then when I come back what will I do? I’d like to get a local job for a little while… I think. Maybe New Orleans!? Help rebuild. That would be cool for a little while… Can I really see myself moving away permanently? I hope I fall in love soon lol. Maybe while in another country? Probably not. Maybe soon… life would be so much more adventurous that way- to have someone to share experiences with and to make decisions with. One day… one day. :]

I’m hoping that writing about my current life will help me get through this stage less painfully lol.  I’m having a difficult time adjusting to life apparently. Is it because my parents were wealthy and spoiled me? or maybe I was sheltered? My parents have never been wealthy. I did shelter myself however. Religious convictions kept me on the straight and narrow… However I haven’t had much responsibility in life I guess. Still don’t really… I have a job… as a customer service representative. I help ppl with their mortgage questions and probs. It’s so freakin hard. I don’t even get paid that much and it’s so hard. There’s so much to learn. And I pressure myself more than anyone else. Gees I hate myself lol. I was just thinking that I was getting the hang of this job and BAM now it’s time to move to the next level: speaking spanish. I know some, intermediate level even, but I can’t hold a meaningful conversation. I make life awkward for me and everyone around me. God, why is life so hard for me? I can’t even remember most of what I’ve been taught? My knowledge level is a MINIMAL. If my supervisors would tell me I’m where I’m supposed to be then I’d be ok with it. But I feel like a dimwit, as if I’m doomed. I know I can’t be. I’m nice to people. I just don’t know anything! haha I make everything stressful, as if my life depended on it. THUS my quality of life is as minimal as my knowledge level. What’s worse is my lack of social skills. Absolute lack. I look so stinkin young, have a horrible haircut, some acne, dress ok but not normal probably, and I exude nerdy awkwardness. So I graduated college, moved back in with my parents (note, moved), got a new job (first full-time job ever), complete on the job training (knew nothing before), most of my friends went away after graduation, and I’m moving out of the country next year (haven’t told my current employer) to study a subject I know little about (got a scholarship that requires me to give speeches when asked to, lots of pressure!), and now I’m supposed to speak Spanish… arg. Stress everywhere! Why can’t I just relax? I know the techniques- go to my happy place, breathing techniques. Yeah, whatever. See a therapist, that’s next on my to-do list lol.

Friends, Jesus, housing, future, job, social skills, common sense, hobbies – these are my weaknesses. How silly am I to list them like that? :]

Good things about me… I should probably focus on these. I’m nice to ppl and truly want to help them (that’s pretty much what I have going for me at work right now), good track record with school (recv’d awards that look really impressive on paper), will be recving a full scholarship for me to go to grad school abroad! (yay, stressful, but yay), am young with a whole life ahead of me, my family loves me and supports me, my niece adores me, movie night with a couple friends (we’re goin thru the star wars movies – such nerds), I can roller skate really well, I have rhythm, can speak some Spanish, have been to four other countries and I’m still young (I think I mentioned the young part before, not a big deal to me, but might as well think of it as a positive while it’s still true), I have a car and a bunch of stuff I don’t really need like an Ipod (I’m not in need), I have a job (and it comes with benefits! yay for health insurance lol), the sun shines where I live and there are trees everywhere (love trees), I have a nice smile (thank you Mr. Orthodontist), I have a laptop (again, material thing, but I like my computer a lot), I am in some way or another intelligent (high school val., math degree here), I know Jesus personally (I could mention my currently weak relationship, but I won’t :], this is my positives list), I’m pretty much healthy, my family is too, I work in the coolest part of town – the part with mucho architectural integrity (I like buildings… a lot), I can walk, I don’t have any highly visible deformities, I can see (with the help of contacts, but still…), I don’t have cancer, I’m not chronically obese, I don’t have a prob saving money, my parents let me live with them right now for practically nothing even though I offered to pay rent, smog doesn’t exist where I live, God loves me and is bigger than anything I might face, life is good, everything is going to be ok, I can be really good at giving speeches, I have impressed with my amature beatboxing skills lol, there is a lot of life in my eyes, I used to have excellent drawing skills and I very well might still have them!, I have some money saved up in case of an emergency (or to pay off my student debt soon, one or the other :]), I make my mom laugh, I enjoy learning (I think I do- I know that I like to know stuff tho lol), I can type pretty good, I think eating right and excercise are important, as well as being nice to the environment (is it sad that I pride myself on some of my views? and currently I don’t live them all, it’s pretty difficult at this stage in life)…

Anyway, my point is… I have a lot going for me, I have a job so I’m making money, God loves me, I know people that love me, and I’m well-rounded. Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves that we’re pretty cool lol. So I’m striving for contentment in Jesus and in life. Contentment… things are in reality going really well for me, however I have difficulty seeing that when I’m having trouble swimming, even though the water is beautiful and nice… entiende? :]

Funny thing happened to me…

On July 14th I interviewed for a scholarship for grad school.  It required me to choose 5 universities abroad that I would want to attend.  So I interviewed and afterward I thought it didn’t go so well.

July 16th, I began my brand new job – my first full-time position.  Life is good.

On July 20th I received a letter regarding the scholarship.  I got it!  In December I’ll find out which university they want me to attend and in which country!

So I’m gonna be leaving some time next year to go to grad school in another country.  I don’t plan on mentioning it to my new job for a while. :]

Life is good.

I gotta new job, I gotta new job, I gotta new job, hey hey hey hey! 

So it’s my first job out of college, yay.  And it’s in a prime location – a beautiful building with lots of history.  I’m excited.  Originally I wasn’t so enthused.  Cubicle life?  Not gonna be so great… but I really don’t think that’s gonna be much of a prob.  Fun people, challenging work, and lots of skills that I’m gonna learn, yay!  I’ll eventually be fluent in Spanish… yes.  That’s a life goal I can check off.  Although the pay isn’t ideal :], it’s more than quadruple what I’ve ever made in my part-time jobs.  I’m just ready to really get into the training.  Teach me!

Things are looking good right now.  I’ll move into an apartment in no time.  And I can invest in 401k now!  At age 22, my investments into a 401k will make me one rich old person! 

Long-term? I have NO clue, but I’ll be fluent in Spanish and have money in a 401k, as well as invaluable experience.  So as a newbie to “real” life, things are looking good.  Just ask me again in 5 weeks to see if I still feel the same way. :]

Since no one ever reads this thing anyway, I can feel comfortable raving about something no one cares to read about!  And I finished that sentence in a preposition, and I don’t have to care! Yay

It’s true.  That rumor you heard?  Yeah, it’s verifiable… I’m not perfect. 

My views?  My reasoning?  Absolutely flawed.  Is it more dangerous for society for persons to think and think illogically or to not think at all?  I know many people who want to leave political opinions to others.  Who don’t particularly care about carbon emissions or America’s energy dependencies.  I have opinions, but moreso I have a desire to opine.  Dangerous scenario.  I’m intelligent, but probably not in a policy-making way.  I took an IQ test in 2nd grade and apparently did quite well because I began “gifted” classes soon afterward.  I have always aced my classes in school, being valedictorian in high school and doing well in college.  However, I think procedure and memorization have been the reasons for my successes.  Creative, reasonable, deep thought has not been a strong point of mine.  After some thought (yeah, you’re right, it wasn’t very deep), I realized that I haven’t had many people that stimulated interesting thought through conversation.  Until college, such conversation didn’t exist.  I’m a little behind.

I feel unintelligent because I know that I don’t know much.  However there is some intelligence in that thought, right?  I’m young, and I use that as an excuse to say silly things.  Oh, I’m young.  Yeah, you’re right – that statement was illogical.  I’ll be wiser one day.

I’ll continue to pretend that my thoughts are impressive.  Research, reading, studying… these are all necessary to fully develop views, right?  So much energy is required to be an informed citizen.  Think about the presidential campaigns.  I don’t know everything about each of the major issues confronting the candidates.  I have opinions about most of them though. :\

I desire to be an expert in something one day.  I desire to be able to impressively defend my views in… well, everything.  Maybe I should be like Soloman and ask God for wisdom… Hey, it worked for him. :]

Today I received an e-mail from the Voice of the Martyrs (VOM) that really got my attention.  I usually scan them, feel a few moments of sadness, and then continue on to other e-mails.  But this one has stuck with me.  I’m going to be interviewing for a graduate scholarship Saturday that requires me to be up-to-date on world events.  One possible questions is, “What do you believe is the most pressing issue in the world today?”  Should that questions be posed, I plan on saying that the turn away from democracy in countries such as Russia and Venezuela is a situation that will have great ramifications for many, many people, even internationally.  Well, with that mindset I read the most recent e-mail from VOM.  The persecution of Christians is increasing in many of these countries that are turning their backs on democracy.  This realization of increased persecution made me re-evaluate my life.

I’ve been really stressed out about my life lately.  I think I have an anxiety disorder, and I even looked up local psychiatrists.  I wouldn’t be embarrassed to visit a therapist.  I think everyone should.  Just like our bodies need check-ups, so do our minds.  Once I’m not poor, I completely plan on seeing a therapist. :]  The e-mail about persecution in the Middle East and Asia distresses me even more.  It also forces me to look at myself.  How would I react in such a country?  I’m worried about getting a new job and getting a scholarship, yet these people are in jail or being killed because of their beliefs.  I share those beliefs, yet I’m free to worry about getting thousands of dollars in scholarship money and making lots of money although I’m not hurting right now.  I would feel guily about what I worry about, but really I think my anxiety is a mental issue.

I guess this blog is evolving into a dual entry:

1.) President Bush is partly to blame for the decrease in foreign democratic practices. :]

2.) Christianity should take mental health into account more often.  Altho within the last couple of centuries Christianity as a whole has been skeptical of the field of science (saddening in itself), mental health should be a higher priority within the religion.  I can see how it would be necessary in order to be spiritually healthy.  Priorities, stress, worry, goals, relationships – they all depend on the mental state of the Christian, right?  I should go talk to God. :]

IRAN “Increased Persecution against Christians “ VOM Sources
The Voice of the Martyrs contacts in Iran report increased persecution for Christians in Iran. Several Christians have been imprisoned, interrogated and threatened. VOM sources said, Iranian security forces prompted by the Islamic leadership and Iranian president are trying to wipe out Christianity in Iran. They are angry many Iranian Muslims are choosing to follow Christ. Pray God protects and sustains Christians in Iran. Ask God to use the testimonies of those being persecuted to draw nonbelievers into fellowship with Him